The phrase “daddy’s little girl” didn’t register internally until I was 5 feet away from my ex-girlfriend’s vagina, staring at hair that wasn’t hers. I was inside of a hospital room sitting down, listening to sounds of support from a few family and friends as my daughter nearly gave me a panic attack from not coming into the world on time.
Although it sounded like the doctor was saying “cornea”, the correct medical term was Meconium, which basically meant that my greedy ass offspring was eating the fluid and feces that would normally be stored in her intestines. The doctor made a decision to kick everyone out and proceed with a C-section in order to safely bring my child into this world. There could only be one person in the surgery room; it was either going to be me or her mom.
After a few seconds of staring at each other, the look on my face clearly saying, “Bitch you better not deny me the privilege of seeing my daughter’s birth,” the doctor promptly escorted Ms. Holmes to the waiting area.
No more than 3 minutes later, I was dressed in all blue scrubs with a light blue shower cap looking like I could’ve starred in the next episode of HOUSE. My mom snapped a quick picture of my sister and a nervous version of myself before I went to perform surgery.
The operating table was divided so that I was unable to see what was going on below her shoulders. Now, of course I was way too curious, so I snapped a few pictures of the gory procedure.
“Are you ok?” I asked her.
She just stared at me, clearly showing she had never been this high before. She slurred her words and mumbled something that I couldn’t understand but I nodded in agreement, doing my best to be calm and supportive. At one point, I thought about pulling up YouTube to play Salt-N-Peppa’s “Push It” but decided against it considering she couldn’t really feel anything and there was no need to push.
At this point, the doctors were extracting my daughter and asked if I wanted to see. Abso-fucking-lutely, I thought. This was that beautiful moment that everyone talked about; the moment that alters a man’s DNA and causes him to fully understand the word ‘beautiful’ on a deeper level.
That shit was a lie. It wasn’t beautiful at all. My daughter looked like some shit off a Sci-Fi movie and I instantly became confused and nauseous. For some reason, I imagined my daughter birth to be seven pounds, fourteen ounces of pure gold floating out of her mom’s stomach, possibly winking at me as if to say, “Hey Dad.” Unfortunately, that was not the case. It seemed like I witnessed a murder with my daughter covered in blood, still attached to her mom’s stomach.
“Would you like to cut the umbilical cord, Dad?” The doctor asked.
I couldn’t respond verbally. The only thing I was able to do was nod my head and grab the shears, hoping that it would be over soon. After separating the two of the them, I was directed towards the waiting area so they could both be cleaned. My family greeted me as if I had just ran through the ribbon at the marathon finish line and, although I was smiling, still a bit traumatized by what I saw.
When we made eye contact for the first time, I understood that beautiful moment everyone spoke of. For those few seconds we were staring at each other, everything paused, everyone disappeared and I was in awe at the capability I had to create another person. I wondered what she was thinking and what world she was transported from. Surges of happiness spiked through my body as I thought of all of the moments we would share: her first words, her first steps, questions about sex and boys. Then I thought about the inevitable unhappiness she would have to experience: her first heartbreak, losing her virginity and understanding death. At that moment, I immediately felt an emotional charge go off inside of my body that seemed to rearrange my cells. It made me protective and caring in a way that I had never been before.
That moment was truly life changing. I stayed at the hospital for the next few days learning how to feed and swaddle my little girl and making sure her mom was safe. That was four years ago and I remember it like was yesterday. December 25, 2010 was the day I met the love of my life. Kyren Ann Marie Robinson.